The dream I had last night felt so real, and I don’t remember ever feeling so disappointed about waking up.

I was somewhere warm and sunny and far away from you. But in my dream, you came to find me anyway. You didn’t say much and I didn’t say much, but when I opened the door we were both really civil and just went somewhere to talk.

I think we walked to a beach and I did this thing where I just leapt to see how far I could leap in the sand. And then you did the same thing like it was a game. And it was fun and lighthearted. We both knew that our hearts were still weighing heavy, but that was ok because we both knew it.

And then we just kind of rolled around in the sand a little bit. It was really fun, and our hearts were still heavy, but that was ok because they were equally heavy.

And then we stopped and just laid there. And we just kind of stared at each other for a very long time. Our faces were barely almost touching and you were tan and I could smell you and feel how warm you always were. And we just stared at each other like that. And we weren’t angry, our hearts were still heavy but it was ok because we both understood that we were each healing from hurting in our own way.

And then we both slowly started to smile. Either I started first and then you followed, or you started to first and then I followed. And that was like the signal for us to not hold anything back anymore because we both knew.

And then I said it. I whispered as softly as I could, “I really missed you…” And you smiled and said, “I think that goes for the both of us.“ And then you kissed me. And in that moment, this unbelievably large burden was lifted off my chest and everything was absolutely ok. And our hearts were still heavy, but it was ok because we both acknowledged it but was able to keep moving.

And that’s why the dreams are the worst. Because they’re so unreal. And you’re not sorry. And we’re not on the same page. And this alternate reality where I’m happy and it’s ok for me to admit I still love you doesn’t exist, and waking up solidifies the fact that this place where I can be honest and not mad at myself for it isn’t real. This place where you understood my pain and I understood yours isn’t real. And it 99% probably never will be because you don’t care. And don’t worry. I won’t try to make this dream a reality and manipulate my way back into your life if that’s what you’re thinking. And that’s because I’m already so mad at myself for having this dream and back tracking on progress I’ve made forgetting you.

Today was a difficult day.